


just for a little while

by kittensoo



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensoo/pseuds/kittensoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myungsoo doesn't want to forget and Sunggyu doesn't want to be forgotten easily too, so they try to make the most of the little time they have now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_For me, my camera and photographs are the most important things_

_Photographs can remember a memory I myself can’t even remember_

_Now that I’m like this…I feel like I need them more_

_I don’t want to feel like I need them_

_But no matter how I deny it, I really need them_

 

One night, when Sunggyu just lies on his bed staring at nothing while his mind wandering to somewhere else—sometimes that somewhere is a stage surrounded by his fans, sometimes that somewhere is just someplace, a simple place, with the person he loves by his side. Suddenly, he feels someone lies beside his bed and then back hugging him, face buried into his neck. He can feel the person’s breath on his neck, he can hear the boy trying to hold back a sob.

“Hyung, I don’t want to forget you.”

Sunggyu stays still, not wanting to look at the boy because his heart might get hurt. He doesn’t really know what to say, he can’t process anything. Not because he is sleepy, more like because he doesn’t really want to. There is only silence for a while, until Sunggyu finally only says, “It’s okay.”

The boy buried his head deeper into his neck, and they just lay there without saying anything. Maybe it’s better to stay silent than to say anything. Sometimes, silence is better. Sunggyu wants to say something else, but he just keeps it inside.

_I don’t want to be forgotten too._

____________

When he thinks about it, Sunggyu should’ve realize that there is something wrong with Myungsoo faster than he did. All the signs were there, but Sunggyu doesn’t think of anything. Maybe the first sign was when Myungsoo forgot about his schedule or remembering the wrong schedule much more often than usual, but Sunggyu thought it was something normal. They are idols, sometimes their schedules are so packed they only rely on their managers to remind them of those schedules. Even more now, since Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol are all in the military and the rest are trying to take as much works as possible to keep Infinite’s name afloat.

One day he overhears Myungsoo telling Dongwoo about how he kept forgetting things easily, like how he forgot the name of the variety show he watches often, how he kept forgetting some dance moves to their songs so he has to learn it again and again, or how one time he even forgot his own phone’s password and can’t get it to open until the next day when he finally remembered, or how sometimes he forgot where his dorm was. Myungsoo told him that it was scary, like something was messing with his head.

But then Myungsoo says that it’s probably nothing and that he is probably just being paranoid, but it doesn’t really appease Sunggyu’s worry, or even Dongwoo’s. Sunggyu recalls seeing Myungsoo taking painkillers because of non-stop headaches, and he starts to worry that it’s related. He isn’t sure on what Dongwoo says because he gets called by his manager to go on a schedule, but he decides that he probably should ask Myungsoo about it when he gets a chance.

Turns out, he doesn’t need to wait for a long time to do that, he doesn’t even need to actually ask Myungsoo about that.

Several days later, they have a special performance for a live festival, all of them being even more nervous than usual since there are only four of them. They are always better as seven, and they know that. Before the performance, they can’t keep still because of how nervous they are, Sunggyu even feels like a rookie again.

Myungsoo had another massive headache and had to take another painkiller, making the others worried. Myungsoo just brushed it off as stress.

But once he set his foot on stage again, it felt like he is finally free. The performance was going well, they were performing a song they have never officially released before, performing the song as four even though they have practiced it as seven before.

It feel nice, to see that there were still a lot of inspirits even though there were only four of them. Sunggyu sang his heart out and felt a lot of joy, until Myungsoo’s part came…but there were only silence. Sunggyu was confused until he took a look at Myungsoo, who didn’t move at all and stood still like he was frozen. Myungsoo’s head moved left and right, eyes looking at his environment as if he didn’t know why he was there. There was panic in his eyes, Sunggyu stops dancing and runs to Myungsoo before Myungsoo falls, suddenly having a panic attack and started to cry.

He holds Myungsoo before Myungsoo collapsed and from there, the nightmare began.

 

____________

 

Myungsoo has dipped his foot on a kind of depression after the incident, sometimes refusing to go out of his room for the whole day, does nothing, or even refusing to eat. It’s like he is punishing himself, no one can makes him smile or laugh. Everything is depressing, even for Sunggyu, Dongwoo, and Sungjong. They don’t know on what to do.

The incident is a huge deal, everyone knows about it, there is news about it everywhere and most of them are negatives, with Myungsoo getting more hates than usual. Sometimes when Myungsoo is not in his room, Sunggyu finds him browsing about the news and reading all the hate comments by himself, which makes Sunggyu mad, not at Myungsoo, but at everything. He feels hurt too, having to see Myungsoo being like this and unable to do anything.

They ends up fighting one day because Sunggyu forces Myungsoo to stop reading the comments by taking away his laptop.

The thing is, that’s not the worst thing that has happened.

Sunggyu sits on the dining table, hands holding a cup of coffee. It’s almost 2AM, but he can’t even fall asleep. It’s probably not a good idea to drink coffee, but if he doesn’t drink coffee than he needs at least a bottle of beer. He still doesn’t talk to Myungsoo, since they’re just fighting several hours ago. But he still can’t help but think about Myungsoo, about everything that happens. Ever since that day, he thinks about it every day and it’s starting to drive him mad.

Myungsoo wasn’t able to sing his part really because he couldn’t sing it. How could he, when he didn’t even remember the lyrics, when he was wondering why was suddenly he stands on a stage when he thought that he was standing in their dorm several seconds ago?

It’s all so weird, which is why they forced Myungsoo to go check himself to a doctor. Myungsoo had gone through several tests, a lot of tests that Sunggyu doesn’t understand. It felt weird for Sunggyu, because Myungsoo didn’t look sick, but Sunggyu had a gut feeling that Myungsoo is actually sick. That was one of the rare times where Sunggyu didn’t want to be right.

But sadly, Sunggyu was right.

_Young onset Alzheimer’s,_ the doctor said. It takes a while before Sunggyu can process it, because he knows what _Alzheimer’s_ is, but he only knows that only old people can suffer from. But Sunggyu was wrong. And in one in a million chances, that one just has to be Myungsoo. But Myungsoo isn’t even 30 yet. Myungsoo is too young, it shouldn’t be possible. He would understand if he is the one who suffers from that, but instead of him, it’s Myungsoo.

It’s like God is purposely being cruel.

“Do you hate me?”

He is so lost in his thought that he doesn’t realize that Myungsoo comes and sit in from of him. He almost jumps when Myungsoo speaks and he even spills his coffee a little. Myungsoo always has an ability to show up out of nowhere, but Sunggyu guesses that this time it’s because he is so out of it.

“What?”

Myungsoo hangs his head low, and repeat, “Do you hate me?”

“No? Why would I hate you?”

Sunggyu doesn’t think that Myungsoo would think that he hates him, their fight was only a small fight and not something that would make Myungsoo thinks like that. Sunggyu doesn’t feel like he was being harsh, he only wants Myungsoo to stop reading unimportant people’s comments. And more importantly, he wants Myungsoo to stop being sad and blaming himself for everything.

“Because I ruin everything.”

“No, you don’t, don’t say that.”

Myungsoo lays his head on the table, looking at elsewhere. It kills Sunggyu to see Myungsoo being like this, sad and depressed. He wants the Myungsoo who will laugh at everything back. He wants the Alzheimer thing to go away and never come back.

“But Hyung…”

Sunggyu sighs. Sometimes, he is not really good at comforting other people.

“Listen, it’s not your fault, okay? You can’t control everything, I don’t hate you, so does Dongwoo and Sungjong. We won’t hate you no matter what you did.”

Sunggyu can tell that Myungsoo is trying hard not to cry.

“I should withdraw from Infinite, shouldn’t I?”

“No.” Sunggyu says, firmly. He doesn’t want to let Myungsoo go just like that, not that easily. He won’t let Myungsoo gives up just like that.

“If I stay, I will become a hindrance, Hyung. Plus the company might kick me out, right?”

“The doctor said that it won’t progress quickly, you still can perform with us for a long time.”

Sunggyu isn’t assured, but he tries to sound as assured as he could. No one knows about Myungsoo’s condition other than them and some people in the company, they just said that Myungsoo was sick back then when the incident happens. They can still manage this, he hopes they can at least until they finally can perform as seven members again.

Myungsoo sits straight again.

“How if something happens again? How if I screw up again? If I screw up, I will ruin Infinite.”

“Then I will help you, I will stand by your side until the end. I don’t care how many times you will screw up, I will be happy as long you still perform with us.” Sunggyu says firmly, without a doubt. Sunggyu loves performing, and Sunggyu loves performing and singing perfectly. But Sunggyu loves Myungsoo more—even if their performances won’t be perfect anymore. He would rather perform with all of the members present rather than performing perfectly, but without some of the members.

“How about other members? How if they want me to go away?”

“Yah, do you think that lowly of our members? I’m sure they are the same!”

“Woohyun-hyung, Hoya, and Sungyeol don’t even know yet.”

“Myungsoo—“

Sunggyu really hates it that Myungsoo is being like this. Myungsoo, even though most of the times he is silent and doesn’t talk much unless necessary, is almost always happy and positive. He is so used to that Myungsoo, he is not used to a skeptical Myungsoo.

“Hyung, do you know? I really like you.”

 

____________

 

“And you only tell us now?”

Sungyeol is so loud sometimes.

“I’m sorry.”Sunggyu can hear a long sigh from the other line, he can even imagine them sighing (and probably almost crying or getting mad). He takes a look at Sungjong and Dongwoo, who are also there with him. This is the one of the rare chances where they can call Sungyeol, Woohyun, and Howon, but sadly they have to tell them a bad news.

“How is he, now?” Woohyun asks, voice full of worries. Sunggyu can imagine that they’re probably mad that they are stuck in military now out of all times, because Sunggyu would be mad too if he can’t do anything.

“He is better now, not as depressed as before.” Dongwoo answers, “Hopefully he will be okay.”

Sungjong hasn’t really says anything, probably doesn’t want to. Actually, Sunggyu doesn’t want to speak too. But as the oldest one, he has to. It has been hard for them to endure, even though their suffering is not as hard as Myungsoo’s, but everything has affected them and makes their hearts feels heavy.

“So, what now? What will we do?”

“What do you think? We will wait for you to come back, of course.”

_Everything will be okay._

 

____________

 

It takes a few weeks for the issue about the incident to calm down, but it takes more than a month for Myungsoo to go back to feel a little better and to accept what has happened and his diagnosis. In that time they have managed to settle things for the next few months. It was not as hard as Sunggyu thought it would be—convincing Jungyeop and the company to let Myungsoo stay and perform. They decide to hide the fact from the public and fans for now, at least until Myungsoo unable to perform anymore. Sunggyu hopes that it will be a long time.

It’s actually harder to convince Myungsoo to believe in himself that he is still able to perform. It’s like the confidence Myungsoo has built in years has gone only in a matter of a few days. He, Dongwoo, and Sungjong have talked with Myungsoo a lot of times, trying to convince him and making sure that he is okay. Myungsoo is convinced, at least for a little. And then they have to convince Myungsoo’s parents to let him stay for a little while, to not take Myungsoo away. Ever since Myungsoo was diagnosed, Myungsoo’s parents want him to come back to stay with them and the only reason why Myungsoo is not at home yet is because he doesn’t want to. He said, going back to his home feels like he is really sick.

Sunggyu only hopes, that Myungsoo won’t change his thoughts again.

They probably won’t do a comeback until the others come back, but they have practiced the songs and the dance because Myungsoo insists that they start now—because Myungsoo is afraid that he won’t have time to be able to remember everything. Sunggyu doesn’t want Myungsoo to be afraid, and it sucks that Sunggyu can’t do anything to ease Myungsoo’s worries.

The practices are a good distraction for Myungsoo, until when he forgets something and starts to freak out and Sunggyu has to calm him down. He has become more sensitive about forgetting—even though it’s normal to forget a few things, Myungsoo will punish himself much more than he should.

They are lying down on the practice room together after Myungsoo has another freak out. Myungsoo still trying to calm himself down, while Sunggyu doesn’t want to leave before he makes sure that Myungsoo is okay.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think.”

Sunggyu lays on his side to look at Myungsoo. The boy doesn’t look at him back, still staring at the ceiling. He looks calm and somehow, that makes Sunggyu feels calm too.

“You really have taken your medicine, right?”

“Yes hyung, don’t worry I didn’t forget that. I’m sure.”

Myungsoo has started to take some medicines. There is one for the Alzheimer that Myungsoo needs to take often, they say that this medicine can slow down the progression. Sunggyu hopes they aren’t lying. There is some painkillers and anti-depressant, in case Myungsoo starts to feel depressed again. Life’s much more complicated now for Myungsoo.

After a while Myungsoo finally turns to him, and smiles weakly before saying, “Hyung, thank you.”

“What for?”

“For always being by my side and helping me, for…everything.”

Sunggyu laughs a little and then ruffles Myungsoo’s hair.

“It’s not a problem, it’s not like I have any other choices.” He says jokingly, making Myungsoo fakes a pout. Sunggyu knows that it’s fake, because he probably knows the boy too well.

“Fine, I take back what I said! I don’t want to thank you!”

“Don’t be angry~ I have accepted the thank you so you can’t take it back now.”

It’s fun, slowly going back to how things before, forgetting that _thing_ that makes their lives miserable. Maybe they’re trying to forget, maybe they’re just starting to accept everything and starting their usual lives again. No matter which one, it feels nice to be like this.

“You know that I rarely say things like that, so you better treasure that.” Myungsoo says, now smiling again even though it doesn’t last long. “Hyung…does it bother you, too?”

Sunggyu scrunches his eyebrows.

“What?”

“That someday I probably will not be able to remember you or anything else…that I probably won’t be really here anymore.”

Sunggyu wonders how Myungsoo is able to go from one mood to another mood so suddenly.

“Honestly…yes.”

Honestly, Sunggyu doesn’t want to be forgotten. He really doesn’t want to. Sometimes it makes him feel uneasy, that Myungsoo probably will forget him, will forget INFINITE, and will forget everything. But sometimes it makes him even more uneasy that while Myungsoo remembers him, they won’t have many memories together, even though maybe in the end it will be only Sunggyu who remembers those memories.

“I’m sorry.” Myungsoo says, now avoiding Sunggyu’s eyes that are still fixated on him.

“Stop feeling sorry, you shouldn’t feel sorry for something you can’t control.”

Sunggyu probably has been too much of a coward before, not wanting to say that he loves Myungsoo because he is afraid. Sunggyu realized, he is actually not so sure about what he is afraid of. He knows that he won’t be rejected because Myungsoo has said a lot of times that he likes him. He knows that the other members will understand. So what is he afraid of? He doesn’t want to think too much anymore, now even if it seems sudden, Sunggyu decides that he should stop being a coward.

“You know, as long as you remember me, let’s make a lot of memories together.” He says, “As long as you remember me, let’s be together.”

He is confessing, but Myungsoo looks puzzled instead. He doesn’t really knows what to say, because it feels weird to say ‘I love you’ so suddenly.

“But we’re always together, Hyung.”

“No, I mean—“ _why is this actually so hard?_ “—be mine, I want you to be mine from now on.”

Myungsoo’s reaction is not what he thinks it will be, because Myungsoo actually looks sadder instead of happier. Sunggyu wonders if he does it wrong—he probably should have consulted Woohyun first before confessing. But it’s not like he is actually planning to ever confess.

“Hyung, are you pitying me now? I do like you a lot, but it’s okay if you don’t like me back, I can deal with that.”

Or maybe, Myungsoo is just a dummy.

“No, I don’t pity you, I’m serious, I want to be really together with you.” Sunggyu wants to yell at Myungsoo just to accept it so he doesn’t have to say anything embarrassing again, “I have accepted your love, so you can’t take it back, okay?”

Sunggyu waits, maybe he is even holding his breath after he says all of that. After a while, Myungsoo starts to smile, even wider than usual.

“Okay.”

Sunggyu sighs, relieved, and the smiles too.

Sunggyu thinks, he will be happy as long as he is with Myungsoo. Even it’s just for a little while, even if the future is very uncertain right now, what matters is he is with Myungsoo. Even if it’s just for a little while, until Myungsoo forgets him, he would like to be able to hold Myungsoo’s hands as much as he wants to. Without conflicted feelings and worries, he wants to be able to fully enjoy the time they will spend together from now on.

Even if it’s just for a little while.


	2. Chapter 2

Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol finish their military services 4 months after Sunggyu’s confession, by the time Myungsoo has mastered the art of pretending that he’s okay and there is nothing wrong, has been able to hide it when he forgets something important. Sunggyu always tried to be there for Myungsoo, including the time when they welcomed the 91-liner back. He could see that Myungsoo was trying to look strong, even though he almost trembles. Myungsoo’s façade almost faltered when he sees that Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol greets him with worries instead of smiles.

“I’m okay,” Myungsoo said back then, “Why do you all seem so glum?”

All of them just accepts it and doesn’t say anything. Maybe they are all still in denial, but it feels better to pretend that everything’s okay than being sad. Myungsoo is finally has encourage to face everything positively, and hopefully it won’t change soon.

Now several days after he come backs, Sunggyu sits down with Sungyeol on the rooftop, looking at the sky together. Sungyeol has asked him to speak, only with the two of them. Sungyeol probably wants to ask a lot of things about Myungsoo, since Myungsoo won’t tell him himself. Sungyeol is Myungsoo’s best friend, the one person Myungsoo tells everything. It’s weird, hearing that Myungsoo won’t tell a thing to Sungyeol, making him wonder how much Myungsoo will close himself off from other people.

“So, Myungsoo only tells me that you two are kind of dating right now.” Sungyeol says, half-smiling. Sungyeol has been the first person who knows about Myungsoo’s crush on Sunggyu. It might be because Myungsoo tells him, or maybe Sungyeol just can sense it. Sungyeol is a far more perceptive person than people give him credits for.

“Yeah—kind of.”

Kind of, because they never really define their relationship even though both of them have confessed to each other.

“Don’t you dare hurt him, if you ever hurt him I’m going to kill you and feed your flesh to dogs.” Sungyeol says. He sounds like he is joking, but Sunggyu won’t be surprised if Sungyeol will really do those things if Sunggyu hurts Myungsoo. But Sunggyu will probably punish himself before Sungyeol ever get to him if he ever hurts Myungsoo.

“I won’t hurt him, I promise.”

They are silent for a while, staring at nothingness before Sungyeol asks again, “So…how is he now? He won’t be honest with me, now. It feels like a lot have changed when I’m gone.”

It’s true, a lot of things have changed. Sunggyu wonders if it will be better if Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol were here when everything happens. It would probably be better, since they have more people to comfort each other. He wondered what they’re feeling, being stuck in military while knowing that their friend is probably half-dying.

“The Alzheimer thankfully haven’t progressed, he doesn’t relapse a lot, so far it feels…normal.”

Not exactly normal, but they still can live easily. It feels like they can have a lot of times before everything starts to go downhill.

“This sucks.” Sungyeol says, “Everything sucks.”

Sunggyu chuckled, “I know, right?”

“It’s so frustrating! I want to help him and shoo away that alz-thingy but I can’t do anything! God sucks!” Sungyeol rants, now going back to looking and sounding childish. Sunggyu wonders how hearing Sungyeol rants can feel nice, because it feels nice now. It’s like finally, there is something that doesn’t change.

“Let’s just be there for him, he is going to need us more later.”

“I know that, you don’t need to tell me.” Sungyeol pouts, and then his voice falters again, “He and Sungjong is supposed to enter military now. Myungsoo is lucky he can skip that hell.”

Sunggyu knows that Sungyeol is trying to joke, even though in the end it doesn’t feel funny. The plan was that after the three finished their services, Myungsoo and Sungjong are going to start theirs, with Sungjong entering one year earlier than he is supposed to be. But now Myungsoo is exempted from it because his condition, making Sungjong delays his enlistment too, since there is no reason for him to enter earlier. The company releases an article about Myungsoo’s exemption, citing an illness as a reason, without really mentioning what the illness is. They’re not lying.

Sunggyu doesn’t read the internet often nowadays, but he can guess that netizens must be guessing what his illness is, maybe thinking that Myungsoo is dying (it’s not Myungsoo who is really dying, it’s Myungsoo’s mind) or he won’t be surprised if they think that Myungsoo and the company is lying, especially when their comeback is announced and they see Myungsoo looking healthy on stage.

But really, that’s the least of their concerns right now.

“Okay, you need to stop taking a rest now, go practice your lines and dances.” Sunggyu scolds Sungyeol, “Work hard for the comeback.”

It might be the last comeback they will ever have as seven.

 

___________

 

They made a comeback as a complete seven 3 months later, a little later than they expected.

The reception to their new songs are pretty nice, just like how it’s usually been, but people are really wondering why Myungsoo can comeback if he’s sick. They try to block any question about Myungsoo’s illness if people start asking questions about it, while Myungsoo can only stay silent and let the other protect him. They decide not to do a lot of live interviews because the questions can be unexpected and it can be hard for Myungsoo, while for variety shows only a few boys go.

But those things aren’t the hardest things, the hardest thing for them is watching Myungsoo being scared before a performance. Singing his lines again and again, making sure he remembers the lyrics and the tunes right, making sure that the dances is on the right part. The choreography is very simple for this comeback and Myungsoo doesn’t get many parts to sing, but Myungsoo is still afraid to go on a stage. Sunggyu understands Myungsoo’s feeling, but he can’t imagine how scared the boy must be.

It’s their third week promotion now, having gone through the comeback week and second week without much problems. There are only three weeks left in their promotion period, but Myungsoo’s scares don’t ease. He has been trying extra hard to focus, making himself tired mentally. Sunggyu can only help by helping Myungsoo to practice, by reminding him to take his medicines. Sunggyu feels utterly helpless, and it sucks.

“Myungsoo?” Sunggyu nudges Myungsoo’s shoulder, trying to get attention.

Myungsoo looks at him and says, “Yes?”

This is the first time Myungsoo doesn’t go through his lines and dances, only sits down and reading his notebook. Myungsoo has started writing everything down on a notebook Sunggyu gave to him, writing what he should do today, their schedules, everything that needs to be remembered. Sunggyu wonders if Myungsoo doesn’t worry anymore, but that seems impossible. It’s only a few performances before it’s their turn to perform, and Sunggyu suddenly feels more worries.

 “Let’s prepare, we’re going to perform soon.”

“Perform? Aren’t we going to do the short interview first?”

Myungsoo tilts his head to the side, trying to remember. Sunggyu’s heart falls and he suddenly feels a little panic.

“We have done the interview thirty minutes ago, Soo.” Sunggyu explains, trying to sound as calm as possible. He can see realizations wash over Myungsoo’s face, Sunggyu feels that his heart break a little.

“Oh—I…think I forget to mark the interview…I haven’t practiced…” Myungsoo starts to panic too, and Sunggyu has to calm himself to try to calm Myungsoo, “I don’t think I will be able to remember? Will I be able? How if I forget on stage? I shouldn’t perform, right? I shouldn’t, I will ruin it!”

Myungsoo starts to get frantic and ramble, Sunggyu has to quickly hold Myungsoo’s hands. Sunggyu calls Myungsoo’s names repeatedly until Myungsoo is focused on him and stop talking. Sunggyu cup Myungsoo’s head on his hand so Myungsoo will not be distracted and only listens to him.

“It’s okay, you will do well, and we still have a few minutes, want to rehearse your lines with me?”

Myungsoo nods, while he can see Sungyeol looking at them. They stare at each other for a second and Sunggyu knows that Sungyeol realizes what is happening. Sungyeol leaves, probably trying to help the situation by doing something. Maybe asking for more time for them to prepare.

“ _I wonder if this pain has an expiration date—“_ Sunggyu starts to sing and Myungsoo’s follow him, there is a little relief on his face, “— _I wonder if it’s my due date to leave,  forgetting everything—“_

They sing for a while until they’re called by the others to stand beside the stage. Myungsoo looks extra nervous, so Sunggyu holds his hands tightly, reminding him that he is here and will help him. They wait until they’re told to enter the stage and get into positions. Sunggyu can tell that Myungsoo is trying hard to focus, trying hard not to forget even though he actually can’t control it. He keeps watching Myungsoo, watching him tremble and getting nervous every time his part is near, face getting paler as the performance goes on.

Sunggyu starts to wonder, if making Myungsoo stays and perform is actually crueler than letting him go.

 

___________

 

They wrap up their promotions without much hindrances, winning a few times (they cries harder when they win now) and did all performances nicely, even though Myungsoo didn’t join them several times, either because he has an appointment with his doctor or because he is sick. Sunggyu is glad, though, that they are able to spend a lot of times with Myungsoo.

But then again, his feeling is right that that is their last comeback as seven.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” said Myungsoo, several days after their last performance. Sunggyu doesn’t say much, because he can see how tired Myungsoo is, being scared all the time that he will screw up, freaking out every time he forgets something important. At least Myungsoo is still staying at the dorm, even though he probably won’t do much anymore as a member of INFINITE.

“Are you mad?” Myungsoo asks now, when they are lying on Sunggyu’s bed, cuddling.

“Of course not.” _I will never be able to get mad at you,_ “It’s okay, I know you are tired.”

“When Jongie enlists…I think I will leave too.” Myungsoo says. He buries his head on Sunggyu’s neck, trying to find comfort. “Is it okay?”

After having lapses more often—sometimes forgetting what he’s doing 15 minutes ago, forgetting the names of things, people’s names and faces—Myungsoo is half giving up again. But Sunggyu can’t even convince him to still fight and perform anymore, because if he does, he will only make Myungsoo suffers more.

“It’s okay.”

Maybe it’s time for Myungsoo to rest from being an idol. It has been almost a decade since he became an idol. Myungsoo is never tired of being an idol, he enjoys it even though it comes with a lot of prices. But, he can’t be an idol forever. Sunggyu wonders if he is accepting this too easily, too readily. Maybe he has been unknowingly preparing himself for the inevitable.

“Can we do a concert?” Myungsoo asks again, “Before I leave, I want to say goodbye.”

That’s actually a good idea. They haven’t held a concert since a long time ago and a concert is an appropriate thing to do. But the thing is, will Myungsoo be okay? Having to concentrate for a two hour concert will be tiring, the practice will be tiring too.

“I promise I will do well,” Myungsoo continues, “I will practice from now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I don’t think I will be able to really rest if I don’t do it.”

“Let’s ask the other members later, I will ask the sajang-nim too.”

Myungsoo smiles and gives Sunggyu a light peck on the lips. Sunggyu hugs Myungsoo tighter, enjoying the warmth from his body. Sunggyu is not a very touchy person, but he enjoys hugging Myungsoo a lot.

Suddenly, Sunggyu gets an idea.

“Hey, let’s do a short vacation together,” Sunggyu says, he feels excited by the idea, “Only two of us.”

Myungsoo looks at Sunggyu with disbelief, but then with happiness. When Sunggyu thinks about it, they never really go on a vacation together, only going to other countries and place to work.

“Really? But where?”

“I will take you anywhere you want,” Sunggyu says, “as long as I can afford it.”

Myungsoo laughs.

“Let’s do it.”

___________

 

The concert plan is accepted without much fuss, Sunggyu can’t help but be grateful that they have a CEO who understands them. The members want to do the concert too, so they start planning about the concert. They start practicing, even Dongwoo and Hoya, who are actually preparing INFINITE H’s come back. The concert is going to be held in the middle of INFINITE H’s comeback, two weeks before Sungjong’s enlistment, and they will do their usual routines for the concert.

They will announce the concert as Sungjong’s farewell concert, even though in the end, Myungsoo will say goodbye too.

“Stop distracting me!”

Sunggyu hears Sungjong’s yell in the middle of practice, and then watch him hitting Woohyun for whatever Woohyun did. He sees Myungsoo and Dongwoo laughing together, while Sungyeol and Woohyun starts to annoy Sungjong. Sunggyu smiles, realizing that he has started missing this kind of sight. Not that this sight will be unseen anymore, he is sure that he will see this several times in the next few months.

Sunggyu only wishes that it will be years before it cannot be unseen anymore.

 

___________

 

They start the concert by performing _Back._

Myungsoo is trying to be happy for the whole day, trying his best to always smile and not let the fact that he is going to go away cloud the day. Sunggyu can see the crack between his smiles, though, when he is not in front of everyone else. Myungsoo is trying hard to stay lucid, to stay focused for the whole concert. They all know that there is a big chance that something will go wrong today—but they’re willing to take a risk.

Everyone else is trying to smile too, trying to convince themselves that today is a good day. Sunggyu is frustrated that he can’t do anything about it, he can’t even convince himself that he can be happy today.

 

The concert is going smoothly, unexpectedly. Sunggyu finds himself keep glancing around to Myungsoo, making sure that the boy is okay. But nothing goes wrong, they keep performing just like how they usually do. They have done a lot of performances, a lot of concerts. A one or two year break is nothing for the rest of them, yet today is the day they give all of them out.

Two hours feels like only two minutes, because suddenly everyone has done performing and now they are performing their last song, _Together._ It actually feels both so wrong and so right singing it at times like this.

When the songs ends, there is silence from them before Sungjong takes over by starting to speak, saying his goodbye first. The rest of them should speak too, but honestly they don’t know what they are going to say.

They’re all trying to hold their tears from falling too easily, because they know what is coming. Sunggyu doesn’t want to cry, yet. Actually, he doesn’t want to cry at all. Sunggyu feels like his time with Myungsoo is going to be over soon, after Myungsoo’s time with inspirits is over. Sunggyu knows, that INFINITE won’t be able to be together forever, but Sunggyu never thought before that INFINITE will be incomplete this soon.

Sungjong finishes his speech, before giving the mic to Myungsoo. Myungsoo doesn’t talk right away, taking time before he starts talking, trying to hold himself together. Myungsoo takes a look at Sunggyu, and then the others. Sunggyu gives him a nod, and then a sad smile.

So, Myungsoo starts talking.

“Maybe a lot of you have read about my illness, even though you don’t know what it is. Don’t worry, I’m not dying.” Myungsoo laughs a little, while the audience is now silent, “Have you heard about Alzheimer?”

No one is answering.

“I have it, I was diagnosed with it more than a year ago,” it’s actually almost two years, “now I forget things really easily.”

Dongwoo starts crying, and Sunggyu has to hold him so he won’t sobs hysterically. They start to hold each other’s hand, giving strength to each other. They have cried a thousand times at a concert, but most of those cries are cries of gratefulness. But this time, they cry because they’re sad, because they feel sorry.

“I’m sorry…for not telling you all about this, I’m sorry that I can’t stay any longer, I won’t be able to perform with INFINITE again from now on, but INFINITE is still here.” _But INFINITE is not really INFINITE without a member._ “I’m sorry, that I can’t promise that I will remember you all because I won’t even be able to remember that I promise you something.”

The others start to cry now. Hearing Myungsoo saying things like that hurts them, it feels like the reality is crushing them again.

“But thank you, for the supports you have been giving me, for being with me for a long time.” Myungsoo starts to break down, “Really…thank you, thank you for everything, thank you…”

Myungsoo bows, while the members approach him. Sunggyu lets Myungsoo cries in his shoulder, hiding him from the world. The other bows too, saying their gratitude before they all starts going back, crying and not saying anything.

The closing song starts to blast.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sunggyu Hyung! Sunggyu Hyung who I love a lot!_

_I love you!_

_I want to say that until you get sick of it!_

_Thank you for not leaving me, it must be tiring isn’t it, dealing with me? I’m sorry that I keep causing you great pain, I’m very grateful that you don’t leave me even though you can, really. I’m sorry I can’t repay you for everything, I can only repay you with my love_ _ㅋㅋ_

_(I sound like Woohyun Hyung_ _ㅠㅠ_ _but it’s true though!)_

_I don’t know if you’re going to read this, since I’m not sure if I can give you this, I’m not even sure if I will remember to give you this. But maybe! One day you will read this!_

_I want to tell you that during they time we’re together, I’m really happy~ You treat me too well, even though I’m frustrating. I hope after I can’t be here anymore, you can move on easily. Don’t remember me too much, yeah? Find someone new to love, you deserve happiness! I hope you will spend the rest of your life easier than when you’re with me, you have to!_

_Thank you for loving me a lot, I will always love you, even though my brain can’t remember, but my body and my heart will! Please remember that!_

_Be happy!_

 

____________

Sunggyu watches as Myungsoo packs his things, unable to believe that they will no longer live together. The reality finally hits him that Myungsoo is really leaving, even though it’s not forever. Having lived together for more than a decade, Sunggyu wonders if he is going to get used to Myungsoo not being there. Because even though Myungsoo is gone, sometimes spends days filming and doing other things, Myungsoo always comes back.

But today, Myungsoo won’t come back to live with them all anymore.

“You really have to go, aren’t you?” he says, even though he doesn’t mean to say it loudly. Sometimes he really can’t filter what he’s going to say, no matter how many times he has practiced.

Myungsoo looks at him and smiles sadly, “I’m sorry, Hyung.”

Sunggyu smiles back and moves to help Myungsoo with his luggage, trying to be a gentleman. Myungsoo really has a lot of stuffs, it actually takes day for him to pack everything. Myungsoo is checking his notes, noting what stuffs he has just packed and which ones he has sent away to his house.

“Do you think your parents will mind if I visit every day?”

Myungsoo laughs and moves to hug Sunggyu suddenly, but Sunggyu is already used to it so he is not startled anymore. Living with people like Jang Dongwoo and Kim Myungsoo means that you have to get used to a lot of skinships.

Myungsoo whispers on his ear, “It’s okay, they know about us, they won’t mind.”

And now is the time that Sunggyu is actually startled.

“You already told them?!”

Myungsoo never tells him that, Sunggyu hasn’t even told his parents about that because he is afraid of their judgements.

“You didn’t know? Maybe I forgot to tell you—“ Myungsoo smiles, but Sunggyu feels that his mood starts to dampen, “—just kidding. I didn’t forget.”

Sunggyu starts to hit Myungsoo lightly while Myungsoo just laughs. Sunggyu starts to tickle Myungsoo until he falls on the sleep while he laughs louder and louder. Is it a good sign that Myungsoo can joke about things like that easily?

“I told them yesterday, Hyung! Stop tickling me!” Myungsoo yells, while laughing, “Sungyeollie! Sunggyu-Hyung is torturing me!”

Sunggyu stops tickling Myungsoo once Sungyeol’s name is mentioned, because currently Sungyeol is in a no-joking mode and takes everything seriously. Sunggyu doesn’t want to get chewed out, he hopes Sungyeol is not near.

“Don’t use Sungyeol as a shield!” Sunggyu protests, but then changes the subject back to the thing they’re talking about, “You told them?”

Truthfully, Sunggyu is afraid of how their families are going to react when they tell them about their relationship. A relationship like theirs is not easily accepted, after all. He is just relieved that a lot of people at Woollim seems to be accepting of their relationship, but he is afraid about how everyone else near them going to react. So now his heart is pounding quickly, wanting to know about how Myungsoo’s family reacted, but at the same time not wanting to know.

“Yup,” Myungsoo says, “They’re okay with it…at least I think they’re okay. They don’t protest or anything, though.”

Sunggyu feels relieved hearing that, though he wonders if Myungsoo’s family accepts it because this might be Myungsoo’s last shot at a relationship.

“Hmmm.” Sunggyu mumbles incoherently, trying to form his thoughts.

“I’m sure they’re really okay, Hyung.”

“I’m glad…”

Sunggyu wonders if he can be brave enough to tell his family, though. They’re not really open minded about this kind of thing, even Sunggyu wasn’t really open minded about a lot of things.

“You don’t have to tell your family.”  Myungsoo smiles and holds Sunggyu’s hand to play with it. Sunggyu swears that sometimes, Myungsoo is like a mind reader. “You just have to visit me a lot.”

“Of course I will visit you a lot.”

“And don’t forget about the trip.”

Sunggyu laughs, not expecting Myungsoo to remember his promise. But he is glad that Myungsoo remembers it, because Sunggyu doesn’t forget it. He has tried to plan a lot of things and truthfully, those plans depend on whether Myungsoo’s family will allow him to go or not. It’s okay though if they can’t go, they just have to use the time they have well. Making memories even though only Sunggyu will remember them at the end.

 

___________

 

Sunggyu feels nervous as he waits for Myungsoo’s mother to talk, feeling nervous as the minutes go by. He’s already shocked when the woman calls him and asks to meet him, because even though he has met Myungsoo’s mother a lot of times, but now that the woman knows about his and Myungsoo’s relationship, Sunggyu feels more afraid. He feels like he will meet the woman for the first time.

He is sitting in front of his boyfriend’s mother, unable to take a sip of his coffee and hands holding each other in his lap. He feels like he is going to get yelled at even though they’re currently in a café with a lot of people. Myungsoo’s mother, just like the other members’ mother, feels like his real mother sometimes, and it’s going to suck if their relationship is going to be broken.

“Why are you so nervous?” Myungsoo’s mother asks, smiling. Her smile looks like Myungsoo’s, it’s warm. “Don’t be nervous, I’m not going to eat you alive.”

Sunggyu laughs nervously.

“I’m sorry,” Sunggyu says, “I’m just afraid that you’re angry at me.”

Maybe he’s being too truthful, but he really doesn’t know what to say, especially since he doesn’t know why Myungsoo’s mother is asking to meet him. He is sure though that they’re going to talk about him and Myungsoo, because what else they’re going to talk about?

“Why am I angry at you? I’m grateful for you.”

“Eh?” Sunggyu says, unconsciously, not expecting the woman to say something like that.

“Thank you for taking care of Myungsoo for the last few years,” Myungsoo’s mother says, now looking sad and looks like she’s going to cry, “I guess it’s going to be my turn to take care of him again.”

Sunggyu falls silent. He can’t imagine how Myungsoo’s mother feels knowing her son is having an incurable disease, a son she has raised really well. He can feel Myungsoo’s mother’s sadness without the woman saying much.

“I will help you too, the members are going to help you too.” He says, the only thing he can offer.

“I know that, I can trust you with that.”

Sunggyu feels flattered for a while, until he realizes that the question that is lingering in his mind is still not answered. He takes a sip of his coffee and dares himself to look at Myungsoo’s mother, the nervousness that has been gone for the last few minutes starts to come back.

“Are you okay with our relationship?”

Myungsoo’s mother smiles genuinely, not a bitter smile. Somehow she looks like she has been expecting that question, she probably is going to be disappointed if Sunggyu doesn’t ask.

“Of course, I’m happy for you two, I don’t care if you’re a man because I know you’re a good person for my son.”

Sunggyu feels so relieved hearing that, it’s like burdens on his shoulder are finally being lifted off. He is glad that their relationship is being approved, that he is being approved as a boyfriend. He feels so happy he could die, really.

“Thank you for loving my son, even though he’s in this condition.”

Sunggyu smiles and holds Myungsoo’s mother’s hands on the table.

“I will always love him in any condition.”

Sunggyu might hate it that Myungsoo will forget him, will even forget that he loves him. But that doesn’t mean his love will waver because Sunggyu is sure, it won’t.

 

___________

 

Jeju Island is always beautiful, that’s why Sunggyu chooses it as his and Myungsoo’s destination. Well, other than the fact that they’re not being allowed to go too far, only allowing them to go to Jeju Island together for the trip Sunggyu has promised. They’re not even allowed to go for a long time, only three days even after a lot of begging and pouting (from Myungsoo, Sunggyu definitely doesn’t pout—at least he thinks so).

It doesn’t feel enough for Sunggyu, but he tries to make those three days enjoyable.

They spend a lot of time making out, telling each other stories, having a trip around Jeju, and play. Sunggyu is always watching over Myungsoo, but he is relieved to see Myungsoo looks genuinely happy, as if everything’s okay. Myungsoo hasn’t even had a relapse when they’re being here. Everything’s too good to be true.

They spend their last day playing at the beach, a beach that feels like their own because there aren’t many people there. Sunggyu is lucky he finds out about this beach only a few hours before they really go. It’s not a beach that is visited often, but the views are still very beautiful.

“Hyung, it’s so beautiful.” Myungsoo smiles at him, as they watch as the sun going down. They are sitting on the sands, their whole body has been soaked from the sea water. Thankfully, it’s not that cold for them.

“I know.”

“Do you want to take a picture?” Myungsoo offers, taking out the camera that is barely used that day, Myungsoo too afraid to take it to the waters, fearing that it will fall down.

“Sure!”

Myungsoo holds his camera, but then only stares at it, suddenly looking confused. Sunggyu waits for a while, waiting before he comes back to Myungsoo to ask what’s wrong. Sunggyu is hoping that it’s nothing until Myungsoo starts to push the buttons on the camera frantically. Sunggyu runs back to Myungsoo and holds his shaking hands, stopping him from damaging the camera.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…I don’t know how to use this camera.” Myungsoo says, and Sunggu’s heart breaks, “I forget—“

Sunggyu hugs Myungsoo and let the boy cry on his chest, hugging him tightly and not caring if anyone will see them. He lets Myungsoo cry until he can’t anymore, even though they are standing and it’s tiring. Sunggyu tries to comfort Myungsoo by patting his back. He doesn’t care if people around them looking at them weirdly, knowing who they are or not. He has stopped caring about people since a long time ago.

“Yesterday I still can do it, why do I forget it so suddenly?”

“It’s okay, you will remember again.”

Myungsoo stops crying, even though he is still heaving. Sunggyu lets go of him and wipe his tears, while Myungsoo just looks at him. Sunggyu knows that the stare Myungsoo is giving Sunggyu now is not a good stare.

“Hyung, can I ask for something?”

“Sure.” Sunggyu answers without much thinking. He is ready to give Myungsoo everything.

“When I forget you…when I forget about everything…promise me that you will leave me.” Myungsoo looks down, refusing to look at Sunggyu’s eyes. Now, that is something that Sunggyu can’t promise because he definitely doesn’t want to do something like that.

“No.” He answers, his tone indicating that he doesn’t want to speak about that.

“Hyung…”

Sunggyu sighs, feeling frustrated that Myungsoo is being like this, now. Myungsoo is not a selfish person, but Sunggyu needs Myungsoo to be selfish right now, keeping Sunggyu by his side as much as he wants to. He needs Myungsoo to stop thinking that he is taking Sunggyu’s life from him, because for now Sunggyu’s life is centered on Myungsoo.

“No, Myungsoo, I won’t leave you, don’t even ask for such things.”

“But Hyung—“

Sunggyu shuts Myungsoo up with a kiss.

 

___________

 

Myungsoo’s illness starts to progress rapidly ever since their last concert and while everyone around him has prepared for it, it is still shocking for them, even for Myungsoo’s doctor. He really forgets things easily and cannot be left on his own, since it’s dangerous. Myungsoo is stuck in his own house, with his parents afraid to let him go outside. Once, they took Myungsoo outside and they ended up losing him while they were distracted. When they found him, he was surrounded by a lot of strangers who probably recognized him as INFINITE’s L, while he looks confused and lost.

It was traumatizing for them.

Sunggyu can tell that Myungsoo’s frustrated with himself, getting angry when he can’t remember things anymore. He forgets how to use a lot of things, forgetting a lot of simple words and have to plaster labels to everything. As Myungsoo’s frustrations grow, his anger is growing too. Myungsoo hates being treated like a child who doesn’t know anything to do, so when someone tries to help him, he gets angry. It’s as if being angry is the only reaction he can do because if he can’t get angry, he will cry a lot.

Sunggyu tries his hardest to calm Myungsoo down, to tell him that everything’s okay. But he says that everything’s okay too much, it has lost its meaning. So in the end, he can only watch as Myungsoo is spiraling downwards.

Whatever happiness they have, it is only a fleeting moment that is covered by cries of desperations.

___________

 

One morning, he receives a phone call. On the phone he hears Moonsoo crying.

“He—he almost killed himself.” a pause, “He wants to kill himself.”

Sunggyu drives to the Kim’s household right away, not even remembering to take a proper bath. He is welcomed by the sight of the Kims sitting in the family room, looking very tired and grim. He can see Myungsoo’s mother crying silently, while Myungsoo is nowhere in his sight.

“He is in his room,” Myungsoo father tells him, “He doesn’t want to speak to us. You should try talking to him.”

Sunggyu nods and excuses himself before walking up stair to Myungsoo’s room. The door is closed but not locked so he opens it slowly, daring himself to walk inside without saying anything.

The room is a mess, with random things scattered all over the room. The walls are filled with photos and notes to help him remember, he can see his own photos there, the members’ photos, Myungsoo’s friends’ photos. Each photo has a note under it, mentioning the people on the photo and in what occasion the photo was taken. Even the furniture has labels on them now.

He spots Myungsoo sitting down in front of the mirror, looking at his own reflection. Seems like Myungsoo realizes his presence because he turns to look at Sunggyu. He seems to know why Sunggyu is coming.

“Who is this person?” Myungsoo asks, pointing at his own reflection in the mirror, but his expression is blank. It feels like Sunggyu’s heart stop beating, he looks at Myungsoo with shocks all over his face.

“Your eyes ares so big now, Hyung. Don’t worry, I’m kidding.”

Sunggyu really hates Myungsoo when he is being like this. He can’t even feel relieved because he knows that Myungsoo is not really joking. He wants to scold Myungsoo for a lot of things, but the words don’t come out of his mouth. He knows what he wants to say, but at the same time he can’t say them. He just stares at Myungsoo, waiting for him to speak again.

“But there will be a time where I will be like that, not remembering myself,” Myungsoo says wistfully, “When I don’t remember myself, I won’t even remember you. Are you okay with that, Hyung?”

“I’m okay with that, I’m okay with everything.” Sunggyu says automatically, because he is not lying. He is not scared anymore that Myungsoo will forget him, because it certainly will happen. Sometimes he is angry, that all the memories they have made will be useless, but he is angrier that Myungsoo keeps blaming himself for that, something that hasn’t happened yet.

“But you shouldn’t!” Myungsoo yells at him, but Sunggyu doesn’t flinch, “You deserve someone better than me!”

Sunggyu walks over to Myungsoo and kneels in front of him, holding his hands. Myungsoo is not crying, has done it too many times he doesn’t want to anymore. But he sure looks like he wants to cry right now, Sunggyu wishes Myungsoo is crying. It’s better than him trying to bottle up everything.

“I don’t care if you won’t remember me anymore, I just want to be with you.”

“You shouldn’t!” Myungsoo yanks his hands from Sunggyu, almost making Sunggyu falls down. Myungsoo clenches his fist, eyes are brimming with tears, “You can’t be trapped with me forever, I don’t want you to.”

Sunggyu hugs Myungsoo tightly, even though Myungsoo tries to break himself free, but Sunggyu’s holding onto him tightly until Myungsoo doesn’t struggle anymore. He buries his hand on Myungsoo’s hair, eyes closed.

“Everyone’s struggling and suffering because of me,” Myungsoo says, voice a little hoarse.

“It’s because we love you, Soo.”

“That’s why I need to go away!” Myungsoo wails again, pushing Sunggyu from himself and finally able to free himself from Sunggyu’s arms.

“If you go away, we will suffer more!” Sunggyu yells, he holds Myungsoo’s body again, shaking him a little, “It’s okay if we’re struggling as long as you’re still here!”

Myungsoo finally cries, wiping his tears angrily. Sunggyu can feel himself crying too, cannot believe that Myungsoo wants himself to be dead. He never thought that Myungsoo will be at this point, realizing that he probably hasn’t done enough for Myungsoo. They cry together, holding onto each other. Sunggyu can’t imagine himself losing Myungsoo. He dreads the day it will come.

Everything’s so cruel.

 

___________

 

Sometimes Sunggyu just watches as Myungsoo pours water into his glass until it spills because he has forgotten that he is pouring water. Watches as Myungsoo slowly losing awareness of his surroundings and gets lost in his own emptiness.

Sunggyu isn’t sure why he does nothing sometimes, just sitting motionlessly for a while before he finally gets up and helps Myungsoo.

Then again, Sunggyu doesn’t even want to know why. If he knows, he will get scared of himself.

 

____________

 

One morning, Sunggyu came to Myungsoo’s house with flowers in his hand and a hope in his heart. Myungsoo’s mother opened the door and greet him, sounding tired and sad. Sunggyu could only give her a half-hearted smile, even though he wished he could offer words of console, or maybe something more, something that would be useful.

Not long after, Myungsoo showed up behind his mother, and looked at Sunggyu with curious eyes, without a hint of recognition. Sunggyu’s hearted dropped, because even before Myungsoo started to speak, Sunggyu had realized it before Myungsoo turned to his mother and asked her, “Mom, who is this ahjusshi?”

Sunggyu couldn’t hide his surprise and disappointment. Myungsoo’s mother looked shocked, too—it’s only a few days ago since Sunggyu’s last visit. And while it took a while, Myungsoo could still remember Sunggyu.

“This is Sunggyu, Myungsoo.” Myungsoo’s mother explained, but Myungsoo only looked more confused.

“Who is Sunggyu?”

Sunggyu can only think— _Ah, so this is how it feels to be forgotten._

 

_____________

 

_Losing my memory is losing my own self_

_Who am I, if I can’t remember who am I?_

_I am scared, I don’t want to get lost inside my own head_

_Sometimes I feel like I was trapped inside a cage without a window in my own home_

_I’m grateful for the people who try to get me out of that cage even though they know it’s impossible_

_But I feel sorry too_

_I am sorry_

_I am really sorry_

Sunggyu stops reading and looks outside his apartment, not wanting to continue reading, but he already knows what was written after that. He had read this a hundred times, maybe more. The traces of the old Myungsoo that he has been missing. It hasn’t been a long time since Myungsoo’s last photobook was released, the one Myungsoo has written before he finally can’t anymore, but he has held onto the book so much it almost crumples.

Myungsoo is still here, but not really here. Things that makes Myungsoo become Myungsoo has gone away and will never come back. He really has become someone who can’t recognize his own reflection, someone who needs help for everything and someone who spends most his times sleeping. Now, only people around him who remembers their memories with Myungsoo.

In the end, Sunggyu really has lost Myungsoo, too.

He looks at the notes he’s making, a song he is trying to compose. It feels like this song is going to end up being about Myungsoo, even though he has been trying to not to make anything because it feels like everything is painful. Sunggyu sighs and picks up his note again, scribbling words by words the lyric that has come to his mind.

Myungsoo has given up a long time ago, so maybe now Sunggyu has too.

_Thank you_

_Goodbye_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you enjoy reading this~ I'm sorry if this feels rushed, I have forgot how to make a good short story. I'm trying to make this as short as possible because if I make it too long I might stop writing it (because I'm easily bored when I write long stories) and leave the readers hanging again =")) This is an accomplishment for me though, to write something this long! This is actually a one shot, but because it's long I separate them into three parts. Thank you for reading and if you want to leave your thoughts about this fic and my writing, thank you!


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